House Passes $61 Billion for Ukraine, Because Apparently, We Can Just Print Money Forever

By The Garlics (instead of The Onion)

WASHINGTON - In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility (just kidding!), the House of Representatives has passed a $61 billion aid package for Ukraine, proving once again that America's money printer has an "infinite ammo" cheat code.

Republicans, despite their supposed concerns about the national debt (which magically reappear when discussing food stamps), largely supported the bill. Apparently, showering money on a foreign conflict is a-okay, while feeding hungry Americans is socialism gone wild.

Meanwhile, the fate of Speaker Mike Johnson hangs in the balance, teetering on the edge like a climactic moment in a telenovela, as whispers of discontent murmur through the halls of Congress. Accusations of betrayal, failures to secure additional funding for the border issue, and a general sentiment of "What have you done for me lately?" have put Johnson's career on ice thinner than a vegan at a barbecue competition.

And what about the war itself? Well, it's still happening. The Ukrainians, despite receiving enough military equipment to build a Transformer Voltron, are still running out of ammo and men faster than you can say "Javelin."

The Russians, on the other hand, are apparently fueled by vodka and spite, because their industrial base seems to be churning out weapons like a Soviet-era gumball machine.

Speaking of gumball machines, the Biden administration is shaking down China for allegedly supplying Russia with those pesky microchips and machine tools. Secretary of State Blinken is heading to Beijing to wag his finger and threaten sanctions, because that's how diplomacy works, right?

The Chinese, being the savvy negotiators they are, are likely to laugh in Blinken's face and maybe even throw in a "paper tiger" comment for good measure. After all, they know that the U.S. is so overextended that it can barely afford another war, let alone a sanctions war with the world's second-largest economy.

But hey, at least we're not talking about the Middle East, where Israel and Iran are playing a dangerous game of missile tag. Israel, apparently itching for a fight, keeps poking the Iranian bear, while the U.S. desperately tries to hold them back.

Meanwhile, the global financial system is looking shakier than a Jenga tower built on a trampoline. But who cares about that when we can send billions to Ukraine and pretend that everything is fine?

As the saga unfolds, with more twists and turns than a rollercoaster designed by M.C. Escher, the world watches, popcorn in hand, as the United States navigates the treacherous waters of international politics, financial brinkmanship, and the never-ending quest to balance the unbalanceable budget. In the end, one thing's for certain: truth is stranger than fiction, and sometimes, you just have to laugh to keep from crying.