Western Leaders Suddenly Remember Putin Is, In Fact, President of Russia, Following Minor Nuclear Scare

By The Garlics (instead of The Onion)

MOSCOW - In a stunning display of previously undiscovered pacifism, Western leaders have collectively rediscovered the existence of diplomacy and the fact that Vladimir Putin remains, surprisingly, the president of Russia. This sudden burst of geopolitical enlightenment comes hot on the heels of Russia's "totally not a big deal, just routine" tactical nuclear drills, conveniently scheduled after certain Western nations may have, perhaps, accidentally suggested sending troops to Ukraine.

"Look, let's just clear the air here," stammered a visibly shaken Emmanuel Macron, fresh from a humbling dressing-down by Russian diplomats and a rather awkward dinner with Xi Jinping. "We, uh, totally recognize Putin as the president. Like, completely. No regime change here, folks. Just a friendly chat about, you know, respecting national sovereignty and stuff."

Across the channel, the British government maintained a stiff upper lip, albeit one with a noticeable tremor. "While we firmly stand by Ukraine's right to defend itself with whatever means necessary," a spokesperson declared, eyes darting nervously towards the nearest underground bunker, "we definitely, absolutely did not mean they could, you know, use those missiles on actual Russian territory. That would be, well, rather impolite."

Meanwhile, in Washington, the U.S. government, renowned for its unwavering commitment to global stability, echoed the sentiment with a casual shrug. "Yeah, we're not sending troops to Ukraine," a Pentagon official mumbled, doodling mushroom clouds on a notepad. "And, uh, yeah, Putin's the president. We cool with that. Totally chill. Nothing to see here, move along."

Italy, ever the voice of reason in this chaotic European family, opted for a more straightforward approach. "Negotiations, people!" exclaimed the Italian defense minister, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Sanctions aren't working, and sending troops is absolutely out of the question. Let's just talk this out like adults, shall we?"

The sudden shift in Western rhetoric, conveniently absent from mainstream media coverage, has left many scratching their heads. Was it the nuclear drills? The stern warnings about retaliatory strikes? Or perhaps the realization that, despite their best efforts, Russia still exists and has a rather large military?

Whatever the reason, one thing is clear: the West has rediscovered the art of diplomacy, at least for the time being. Whether this newfound appreciation for peace will last longer than a Parisian croissant remains to be seen. But for now, the world can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that nuclear armageddon has been postponed, possibly until after the U.S. elections.